I’m tired of trying to give good advice, so here’s the worst costuming advice I can think of.
1. Don’t waste time doing research
The best costumers just jump right in and make awesome stuff happen, like magic.
2. Don’t have a sewing machine and a needle and thread takes too long? Try Elmer’s Glue
Don’t waste time trying to hem or fray-check, either. The fraying edges give it a weathered, realistic look, and glue stains add to the realism.
3. Spandex costume? Stretch material is too finicky to work with. Use a cheap cotton instead.
You may have to rip it and glue it back in place to get it on, but man won’t everybody be impressed that you only spent $5 total?
4. Buy the cheapest fabric possible, the kind that frays when you look at it is the best.
Don’t let people try to convince you that quality fabric is best. That really cheap satin looks great with any costume.
5. Don’t worry about packing carefully
Wadding your costume up in a garbage bag and having broken props gives it a “lived-in” feel when you wear it.
6. Skimpy costume in cold weather? Grow your body hair out to provide warmth
I mean, who says they shave in outer space or the future, anyway?
7. Didn’t finish your costume in time? Hotel bathtubs are a great area for spray-painting
Use the toilet for dye, though.
8. For that extra sparkle, dump loose glitter on yourself. The vendors and event staff will love it
They’ll be thinking of you days later while still vacuuming.
9. Worm your way into every photo you see being taken, even if your costume doesn’t “go.”
Especially if it looks like a “serious” photoshoot. The other people may get mad after the 5th or 6th photo but that’s just because they’re jealous.
10. Feeling hot and uncomfortable in your costume? Go ahead and take it all off, doesn’t matter if you’re in a crowd or not. Air out your feet right in the middle of the dealer’s room.
Also, don’t use any kind of deodorant or anti-perspirant in costume! It could rub off and stain! Use parts of your costume to scrub your armpits if you get sweaty.
11. Think you might have a wardrobe malfunction? Let it fly! Everybody loves boobs!
Those people shielding their kids eyes are just jealous.
12. Somebody else in the same costume as you? Follow them around without saying anything. Stand directly in front of them when someone tries to take their photo.
Engaging them in conversation will just encourage them and we can’t have that. Assert your dominance!
13. Somebody doesn’t recognize your costume? Explain your costume & character in as much detail as possible, even if it takes 2 hours. Make sure you carry 20-page long manifestos about your character to hand out.
Don’t let that person leave until they are also a fan of the character.
14. Entering the costume contest? Stay onstage for as long as possible so everyone can see every detail of your costume, even if it means they have to kick you offstage.
And if you don’t win in the costume contest, make sure everybody knows how wrong the judges were.
15. Shoes too big? Grow your toenails out to make them fit better.
Makes it all that much better when you have to take those shoes off to air your sweaty feet out.
16. You paid a lot of money to get into this convention and to make this costume, right? You’re absolutely correct that you should be allowed to sit on Matt Smith’s lap while he signs autographs in that case.
I mean, you deserve it and you’re obviously the best Amy Pond here, yeah?
17. Having trouble thinking of your next costume? Find an original design someone has made and copy it! Then make lots of copies and sell them on etsy for big bucks!
Why bother coming up with your own original ideas when you can just borrow them from somebody else?
18. Find other costumers you admire and spam their facebook pages with pictures of your costume so they can see how awesome you are. Give them lots of critiques and let them know where they need to improve.
It’s the best way to make friends and get your name out there.
19. Tired of trying to keep up with the latest costume fads? Start your own. Clown make-up with your Disney Princess costume could be the next big thing.
It doesn’t have to make sense. It just has to set you apart.
20. Work, school and friends getting in the way? Bills making it too hard to get to a convention? Forget all that.
Conventions and costumes are the most important thing ever. You could try crowd-sourcing! Random strangers will of course be willing to pay your bills so you can enjoy the con!
(If you actually do any of this stuff, don’t blame me when you get kicked out of a con or punched in the face, ok?)