Today’s question is…
“How do you deal with rude comments?”
(and other similar questions.)
Costuming is a weird hobby.
The majority of us are normal people who simply enjoy making and wearing costumes. We aren’t models and we don’t care to be.
Yet the minute we step into public in a costume, whether you have an online presence or not, you’re immediately in the incredible scrutinizing gaze of thousands of people on the internet. And these people are not always kind. They look for anything even remotely wrong with you so they can say “ew” or make a joke at your expense to make someone else on the internet laugh. They don’t consider the fact that you are a real person.
I’ve found that a lot of them don’t seem to realise that not only are you a real person, but you’re a real person who will be looking for photos of yourself after the event. Every costumer wants to see photos of their costume in action. It’s the most disheartening thing to go googling and find a picture of you at the con – with a degrading caption or crappy comments.
I’ve dealt with this so many times, but on the whole I feel like I’ve been lucky to generally fly under the radar. Still, I’ve been called every rude thing under the sun, every part of my looks criticized, even things I never thought about before. Basically every thing you’ve ever felt insecure about is brought up, and even things you never thought of are called into question. It can be very challenging, mentally speaking.
My first rule of thumb is I never LOOK for it. Over time, you’ll figure out the kind of sites they send up a “no good!” signal. The biggest offender is usually threads in gaming forums. Even if someone there is saying something good about me, I’m not going to go looking. So, just avoid any place that may be a “troll den.”
From what I’ve seen, there are two types of people who make rude comments on the internet.
EXHIBIT A: The jackass who is trying to be funny and doesn’t care if they hurt your feelings – in fact, that makes it even funnier if they do. Or they’re just an asshole in general. Arguing with someone like this does absolutely no good. Ignore them at all costs. If they come into your territory (facebook page, etc) – delete the comment without replying, block them, and move on with your life.
Ignoring stuff like this is HARD to do. It’s personal, whether they are attacking your looks, your weight, your skin colour; or if they are putting down your costume making skills. Reading something like that tends to stick with you and weigh you down. Some people are able to let it slide right off their back, others will never get used to it – but you can learn to overlook it. It doesn’t always work, but you have to try, and it gets better with practice.
I finally realized that I was letting a stranger’s words affect me more than those of the people closest to me and I realized that was stupid. Why should I care what a faceless person on the internet thinks of me, and give their comments more weight than those of my friends and family?
EXHIBIT B is the normal person who didn’t mean to say anything hurtful but never stopped to think of you as a real person. After a while it’s usually easy to discern which is which. In THIS case, instead of ignoring, I like to gently remind them that I am, in fact, a real person with feelings. “Thanks for the comment on my costume; sorry you don’t like my smile :)”
Usually after that they never reply, or they immediately apologise for whatever they said. There’s really no need to be an asshole back to a person like this, I give people the benefit of the doubt and mark it up to a momentary lapse of reason than someone just being rude.
Rarely does someone come up to you and say something to your face at a con or event. I find that usually when that happens, they’re more of an “Exhibit B” person, who just aren’t thinking of the impact of what they’re saying. I find it easiest to just nod and smile and move on with my life.
Whatever kind of comment it is, the fact is, you can’t please everyone. There’s always going to be somebody out there who doesn’t like something about your looks or your costume or your photos, or whatever – whether out of jealousy, spite, or for the sake of being rude, whatever it is. If you love costuming, you just have to keep doing it anyway and please yourself.
A while back, some other costumer (sadly I don’t remember who) put out the idea of fighting negativity with positivity. We are in a hobby that is constantly surrounded by negative comments about every aspect of us. Instead of just letting that “noise” exist – drown it out with positivity. I try to comment and “like” and reblog any costumer I see that I admire or love what they’re doing. “You look fantastic!”, “you did a great job!”, “I really love what you’re working on”, etc. The most important thing is to NOT become one of those negative people being an asshole on the internet… don’t bitch about other costumers online. Don’t talk down to them if they’re new. Don’t give a critique without being asked. Don’t post a picture with a snarky comment assuming they’ll never see it. Build up, encourage, and compliment your fellow costumers! It’s good karma anyhow!